Don’t Fall Into the “Question Trap”, Meaningful Ways to Connect with Loved Ones Living with Dementia

When a loved one is living with Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, or other age-related degenerative disorders, it can be difficult, discouraging, and even frustrating to communicate with them. Here are some ways to make the most of your visit with your loved one. 

“Do they even know who you are?”

This may seem like an innocuous question from a friend or a relative, and they likely are not being malicious. But the question can be deeply hurtful, reminding you that your mom, dad, grandparent, or other loved one living with dementia probably doesn’t remember you. Those cherished, shared moments may be long forgotten, but that doesn’t change who your loved one is or what they mean to you. It may mean approaching them differently, respectfully, in a manner more befit of their situation.     

“However it may be phrased, the question is always whether my mother recognizes me, meaning, can she recite the facts of who I am, what my name is, and how I'm related to her? When everyone keeps asking me, Does she recognize you? I find myself thinking, that is the wrong question. I believe the question really is-- or should be-- Do you, do we, recognize her as a person who is still here?” – Janelle Taylor, This American Life podcast. 

Visiting Your Loved One

Beginning a conversation with your loved one who lives with dementia may look different than on previous visits. It’s important to remember that they are still the person you love, the person who cared for you, the person with whom you made memories and built traditions. 

Begin by making sure the visit is in a place where they feel comfortable and safe. It may be at home, in a senior living community like Traditions, a favorite park, a café, or a restaurant. Having your loved one feel comfortable will make conversations easier and more productive. At Traditions, we strive to maintain familiarity and ensure our Memory Care residents feel safe, comfortable, and “at home.”  

Engage in direct one-on-one communication with your loved one in a distraction-free environment. Make sure the television or radio is off or on low volume. Open a window to let in sunlight or a cool breeze. 

Communicating With Your Loved One

According to The Alzheimer’s Association, “Alzheimer's disease and other dementias gradually diminish a person's ability to communicate. Communication with a person with Alzheimer's requires patience, understanding, and good listening skills.”Keeping these things in mind can help you have enjoyable visits with your loved one, for both of you.

Communicate clearly and directly with your loved one while maintaining a light, positive tone. Do not exclude them from conversations if others are visiting, rather include them and keep the focus on them. After all, that’s why you’re here! 

Make eye contact with your loved one and call them by name. Speak clearly, in a bright, positive tone. “Hello, Mary! How are you today?” “Greetings, Sam. It’s so nice to see you this morning!” Avoid asking them questions that may irritate them and frustrate you. “Do you know who I am?” “Do you know what today is?” These types of questions are not conducive to a nice visit. Instead, make direct statements or ask general questions. “It sure is warm today, isn’t it?” “How’s my favorite grandfather doing today?” 

If you ask them questions, keep them open and positive and avoid giving them too many choices. “Did you have any other visitors today?” “Can I make you a cup of coffee?” These types of questions allow them to stay engaged without confusing or frustrating them. 

Patience Is A Virtue

Remember, your loved one may have difficulty communicating with you. In addition to not remembering specific things, they may have trouble finding their words, causing a delay in responding. That’s ok! Let them have time to reply. If they are getting frustrated, try to move the conversation on, but it’s important to let them feel like they are part of the conversation. 

Don’t let any frustration you may be feeling show through. Stay positive, use visual cues to show you are paying attention, and be patient. 

Visiting a loved one who is living with dementia can be a frustrating experience, but it doesn't have to be. Use this approach to have a fun, meaningful visit with your beloved senior.